What does your hair do for you? I bet if you sat down and thought about it you’d tell me it is a big physical attribute to you and if you’re thinking deeper than just appearance you’d probably tell me that it gives you a sense of security, it’s something to hide behind when you’re feeling embarrassed or shy, it’s an important part of yourself because its grown with you..
So why did I, a 19 year old whose favourite attribute about herself was her long and beautiful hair, shave it all off?
At this point I would like to make it clear that this was not a Britney Spears moment, I was completely sober, I had no health issues and again just to get it across…my hair was my favourite physical attribute.
Christmas day 2017
In June 2017 I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking alcohol (I’d be drinking water or juice when I went out with my friends), I stopped everything that people can get addicted to and I felt amazing!!
I’d been told I have an addictive personality and I have seen what addiction can do to people and how it can hurt those around them so I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t tied to anything…and I did 🙂
(Recently I have started wearing makeup occasionally and having the odd drink if i’m out for dinner etc)
After months and months of blossoming more than I ever had before, I was on my second journey in India and I had reached an ultimate high in my life.
My mindset was positive, my surroundings were inspiring and beautiful, my life had just reached a place that I was proud of and happy.
The sunsets were worthy of watching everynight
The Indian community I was living in was a residential community for adults with special needs, I had the impression that I would come to the community and I would be the one helping those around me but boy, I had no clue how much I would develop as a person from being there at this point in my life. The community became my home and the ‘special friends’ and other volunteers became my family…stripping me from all my masks that society had encouraged me to wear, allowing me to be ‘me’ and holding up a mirror to all the aspects of myself that either I had hidden away or that I just couldn’t see. I faced it all and let me tell you that it wasn’t easy in any way but it was a beautifully aware awakening to a side of myself I had not been given the freedom to explore.
& dancing around for
I knew I needed a physical change to signify the inner change and I had this intense feeling that it needed to be something to do with my hair.
Our hair goes on our journey of life with us yet I had this feeling that the dead fibres attached to my scalp were holding onto too many memories which I had moved away from but I wanted to symbolise this through taking a final step, so I shaved my head to close that chapter of my life and start ‘fresh’ for the next. I knew that seeing the growth of my hair would be a constant reminder to myself that I have come far and will continue to grow.
December 31st AM
Last long hair selfie
Now, like I keep saying, my hair was my perceived physical highlight…I challenged myself with this because after all if I’ve really gone through so much inner growth then my appearance doesn’t matter, I should be strong enough to not care what people think when they see the raw version of myself, providing I am happy with it? If I can be strong when I am most vulnerable then I can conquer anything life throws at me. To focus more on what I can bring to the world I need to focus on the world and not be so concerned with physical self…
I have this absolutely crazy bucket list that I made when I was only 8 years old and shaving all head for charity was on the list since day one! I didn’t raise any money for the Little Princess Trust but when I did do the deed and shave my head on December 31stin Kerala, India sent them all 16 of my plaits in a big brown envelope! I know that whoever ends up with a wig made from my hair will be able to feel as pretty as I did when I wore it.
Tbh this was one of the things written on that list which I had previously skipped when looking at what I could tick off next. But hello 8 year old me, I DID IT! (only took me 11 years)
Footprints in the sand
Sunset, December 31st– Sitting on the upper floor of an open beach café, overlooking the last sunset of the year as it not only kissed the sea but also as the wild dolphins decided to put on a show and dance for the occasion….BEAUTIFUL
Braiding time
I braided my hair into 16 plaits with the help of my friends and the cool dudes from the café, I made the first cut….at this moment I had adrenaline in my body and a feeling of physical and spiritual lightness alongside feelings which I can’t quite put into words, no matter how hard I try.
The 16thplait was cut just as the sun disappeared and I was left with an uneven and ridiculous hair cut, the shaver turned on and the noise from it blocked out all other noises for me apart from the sea lapping on the shore (I want to thank my head for doing this, the sound of the waves kept me calm) My good friend and ex co-worker took charge of removing all my hair and allowing my head to breath! With the mantra “may the growth of my hair represent the growth of myself” it was over!
I cried. I didn’t feel sad. I felt overwhelmed.
IT IS HAPPENING!
IT HAPPENED
Later that evening, the 5 of us made a fire on the beach and sat around talking about things we were grateful for and things that we hoped to achieve by the following year. We sang and laughed and as the beach went into a chorus of countdown we joined in and ran around, splashed in the sea, danced around fires and felt genuine happiness. We stayed up into the early hours of the morning sitting in the café that I had earlier shaved my head in, it was closed so there were only a few people there and we played games and made shapes out of wax…way more interesting than it sounds! I woke up in the morning, it was 2018 and I had a bald head! I decided to go for a walk and collect some shells so I could make something back in the community workshops, I walked along the sand, my feet in the water, the breeze caressing every particle of my head (it honestly feels incredible!) I was so proud of myself for doing it, for being bare…no makeup, no hair to hide behind. For being me.
Being so raw, although amazing, is for sure an uncomfortable process at times.
In India people only traditionally shave their head if their close family member has died, if they are doing it as a sacrifice to a temple or if they are terminally ill. It is seen as a bad omen for many Indians due to these reasons.
For me, a white British expat, to shave her head when none of these things are relevant gave me much more attention and curiosity than I was prepared for when out in public…let alone the shocked reaction of the more aware community members when I arrived back home to them. Still, although the acceptance of my new look didn’t come as easy to myself as I had hoped it would (causing a little bit of an anti climax to the whole event) the ‘special friends’ and the rest of the community STILL loved me, STILL treated me the same, STILL spent time with me and most of all…reminded me that even without my hair, which I was missing the feeling of ‘pretty’ it gave me, I was STILL THE SAME CHLOE whom they all loved and whom I had worked so hard to become.
Community living
After some time and some reminding myself about why I did what I had done I began accepting it and embracing it.
It’s been nearly 5 months now since I shaved it off, each time I see an old photo of my hair and miss it or I compare the me then to the me now I remind myself of the mantra I said when it was being shaved on that beautiful evening and I feel beautiful again…but this time instead of it being from the outside it’s from the inside to the out & that my friends, is what I didn’t know I was looking for but I was!
So, to anyone who’s reading this because they are considering shaving their head…let me tell you that it will have a large amounts of ups and downs and you need to be prepared for that. Not every day will be a day you are happy with your decision but u have to keep getting on with life as normal and prioritise what is important to you.
It also feel amazing, my head felt like a baby rabbit (u get the best head massages ever!)
It gives u a feeling of being ‘free’ and I didn’t really understand what that meant for me until this.
It is so healthy for your head!
So if you’re considering then think about it, if it’s something that is also on your list then ask yourself “When is a better time than now?”
Thank you to all the people who sent me beautiful messages already saying how inspired they were and to all the women out there with a shaved head or short hair, whatever your reason is, you rock!! All u ladies out there with long hair, it’s BEAUTIFUL too but I hope it’s the way it is because it’s how you personally like it and not because society told you it should be that way? Also all you fellas out there who go from having long hair to no hair, i know its a big step for ya’ll too so well done! Wow, writing this has made me feel so positive towards everyone haha…but seriously so much love.
“Power to your heart ❤ Massive love x x x
We have no choice but to grow…but we have the choice to grow beautifully and with awareness ❤ x” – Karin
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Love love love
Chloe
Xo
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